. Are we both not lacking something? Or are we just a dreamer who can mould our words into thoughts that play before our mind as we read them? I sometimes wonder if am the only one that sometimes will log in just because I know someone else is waiting on me. Tonight had just been one of those nights. That reminded me, there are just too many writers with issues. I just can not ever let myself take a story for more than a story. Its the only way to really not let the insecure cyberbullies or just plain nuts. Ever get the best of you. I am now asking myself. If he ever misses me. Since I was there and then gone. I know that miss him more, With every second that passes. I just long for him. Needing to feel that feeling when he could just make my heart flutter. Out of everyone for some reason. He had just been the only one. That made me feel everything was going to be okay. If only it just been that simple. If only I am not let myself be so haunted by Astaroth. Is he really dead? Or is just another mind f***. It's really what has me stuck in this limbo. I have not really found what am needing to accept that he's dead. Or that he hates me for loving his brother. And I do love Caleb, Now after all these years of running. I see now, why I run, why it makes it easier being able to fool myself. Into thinking that my world. Is not just some lost dream. Much like the broken Kingdom that still has a hold of my heartstrings. Yet another night has passed me by. And now that I see myself going. Am seeing now that the heart wants what it wants. I can not feel guilty about it. Does that make me selfish? I think not. It just means I know love on a deeper scale than most people ever will. I know that each time we find it. No matter how horrid the outcome might be. That love and longing for another. Is just always a part of us. I know that I ran, but it's not why you think. I ran because in that second I realized that I would be able to spend my life with my exes brother. And find a sense of joy. That I never would have reached with Astaroth. I ran for the fact that realized in just a short few days. I had let myself become smug with Caleb. And I liked it, I loved the idea of being with him. If Astaroth is really dead. Then I know he can feel my thoughts and feel my hearts desire. That makes me just sit here and cry. So I really ran, because it was what I wanted. And I knew if his spirit felt it. That he might never forgive me. And I just hope with everything inside me. That he has a way of understanding what he means to me. And knowing if it does turn out. That I do love his brother more than him. That he will always be a part of my heart and soul. No matter if something ever does come from this twist of fate. It just seems that I can not give up on the idea. That we really do have someone that was meant to write our lifetime with. If only there is really a way that we can find to make our words just be nothing more then a beautiful story. I can not say am any one verse. But if I added you, Then there was something I just found interesting or familiar about you. For me trying new things is what really makes life fun. There is not anything I will not give a try to writing about. Just always give me time to reply, If I do not reply the right way. Life is just happening or friend may be in need. I promise you if I lose interest in you. I will just block you. Now I know that can really piss some people off. When they just get blocked and to them, it feels like it's for no reason. I just use this method because it does not leave any mixed signals. I just do not fill you fit into my life of beautiful and amazing stories. And I blocked you, that way you can go out there and find your own. To me if someone blocks you. And you feel the need to add them. And vent about it. Then you're forgetting that this is just creative writing. I think that is our fatal flaws as human writers. We forget that this is not the place for friends or dating. And no matter how much we crave that. We have to learn to not let ourselves give in to it. And just enjoy the story that unfolds in our mind. As another's words take us there. Am starting to think now, that I did the right thing for once. Not giving in to what it was I wanted. Also, I promise am not some livid cunt who will ever be cruel to someone without reason. Am just very blunt and feel me or anyone else for that matter. Should ever have to feel they have to write with someone they do not wish too. I never met anyone that was crazier then I was. And yet I honestly do not really care. Which makes me question myself on if I will ever truly know love. Okay well, maybe I do care a little. Am not sure, Am just suddenly finding that maybe I should have never looked sex and the city as a show but a lesson. I'm starting to think that maybe I do not have a Mr Big. Every time I meet one that I actually like. They're always a big flake let down I think it's stupid how anyone does not get the best thing of people knowing who you are. You know they will never add you. And you meet new people instead of running into the same ones that you have already known before. For the first time in years. I finally know the feeling of love again. But will it last or will karma leave my heart once again wounded? Astaroth I am not sure what tell you. But if you can find in yourself to truly be honest with me. Then the truth is your not really in love with me. Am not one to ever play the second choice to anyone in real life. So ya better really think about what and who it is you want. If there is one thing that matters most to me. It's not what you are or what you look like. I think what matters most to me. Is that the things you say? That they come from your heart. And that you mean every word of them. I probably not write with you. But no more phone calls and no more all night in AIM with you. You'll never know the OOC me any longer. Because I just can not take this. Knowing that about half the other people here that role play are in love with you to in real life. ( I think now it was just how he wrote. I learned a lot from this relationship) So if you mean the sh*t you say then come live with me. If not am just going to Russia and trying a relationship that you grow and learn to love someone.( Am going to Daytona, Florida. This is funny because this is what has happened.) Then just up and giving your heart to them. Because your words touch them in ways. ( That is it right there words. You can never forget that all stories come from words. And that is all you let yourself, love. The Story your making come to life) Yes, I was freaked out a little and needed a break. But when I thought of the one vessel that meant the most to me. It was this one. And no it has nothing to do with the vampire that once wore this skin. ( Getting a little supernatural aren't we) It had to do with the fact. I feel like your my Stefan your the first one to finally teach me how to love again. ( He really did, and Now his brother is showing me. How you can really love two people)And now am feeling like I just set myself up to get hurt. ( See once you start talking, and becoming who you are with someone. It always leads to doom) And you just make a monster that was already a dark and lost soul becomes one that is even more heartless and evil. You will cause me to break more hearts then I already have. ( Is this a romantic way of saying, rebound boyfriends?)You will make me think that love is just a lie. So cut out all the OOC crap with every god damn other accounts you have. I am not going to say am perfect. But I sure have never come close to comparing to you Casanova.( I still hate not knowing if he is really dead. My heart tells me he's not. Which is so sad, Because a part of him feels that we could never still be there for each other as writers. Because is RP is not real life. Then we can forget who the writer is. Unless they cause occ drama and make us block them. Okay so if you have read this far that so means you're interested so am creating this place for cute starters ( Download Firefox browser. Click view in the upper right menu. Then Style, and the page no style. I moved that to the blogs)I have written and I laughed at. Were am from in Methville m Missouri if you laugh at loud at jokes you said. You're a complete dork. It's like a big pet peeve in the midwest. Never laugh at your own jokes.( True that is everywhere. And Meth is a serious problem for the midwest and south. So Every time I have a comment that I laugh after I say it. Am going to save it in my blog. Am quite different from most writers you will ever meet. I have used people before, I have done it a few times really.( I say this because we all know the open page thing does not work. So at times, I do target someone and just show them how good of a writer I am. There are more people then you realize. But I know about long-needed breaks,zZzZzZ haha I tried to AIM you. I had one of these really cute moments when I almost did not know which AIM to use. And then when I saw you where offline I seen it was one of those times. I had to leave one of those silly comments. I never let people get to me, I guess my love for the story and words outdoes all really. I think most people can't handle the thought of knowing no matter who we meet. There never for one second get that some are actually ® here for the story. And the mental escape from there working-class routine lives. Although I fear when the government ends SSI there will be decline. I met quite a few that live on SSI and also a few that get checks. Then I ask myself when am in despair of yet another let down in my RP history. I find another lost in that feeling of emptiness I think we have something in common. And its always easier telling it to a stranger. Don't you agree?"